Did anything even happen in March and April, though?
Little moments, living with Brigitta (I’ll explain below…)
I mean, okay. Some things happened. Obviously. That said, with the exception of one particularly eventful week, these past two months were pretty much blah.
As I type this, however, I’m kinda having a mini revelation of sorts. Maybe… maybe March and April weren’t all that bad? Maybe… it’s just me that’s been off? Like, really, really, really off. Ugh.
I received some very good news in March, for example, and then a bit more in April.
Basically… this past fall I had a ‘what the fuck am I doing with my life’ (almost) quarter life crisis. My time working as a photographer/vendor at the Vedettes de Paris had come to an end and I was well into the first trimester of my final year of photography studies… in short, I was jobless and the ‘end’ of school was suddenly not just a hazy concept reserved for the distant future. It was becoming real and damn visible and yeah I was fuh-reaking out, man. Over the course of several weeks I sat down. And I came up with a plan. It was really hard. But I’m not feeling revisiting those messy moments and all-over-the-place emotions so that’s all I’ma say about that.
Going into November, I had my shit (mostly) figured out. Allow me to explain:
- I applied for a job teaching private English lessons around Paris and was hired (in late November).
- I decided to continue my education in a domain not at all related to photography or the arts… I applied to a Sciences du Langage licence program at the Sorbonne (between early and late November).
– in order to finalize my application as a foreigner whose first language is not French I was required to take the TCF in February. To prove that my French isn’t, you know, total shit. We all remember what happened in February. I was so, so sick and so, so sad the day of the exam. That entire week was fucking awful.
The results of said exam arrived mid-March. I did well, scoring 624 points out of a possible 699. I needed to test to level C1 (between 500 and 599 points) in order to be accepted to my ‘first choice’ university. I tested to C2. Not a high C2, but a C2 goddammit!
I was thrilled for about 0.5 seconds.
And then… I just kinda felt, like… okay. I did good. I know I did good. I didn’t do perfectly. I could have done perfectly. I should have done perfectly.
I wanted to text Kayoon about my score. I couldn’t.
Oh, and I still hadn’t been officially accepted to the school. A million things could go wrong. What if the language component just wasn’t enough? What if they thought my letter of motivation was shit? Or what if there simply wasn’t enough space for me to attend?
Fast forward to April 3rd. I received the acceptance letter.
I wasn’t excited or joyful or anything. I just felt… relieved. And then a bit numb.
I wish I could feel… happier. I don’t know. I don’t know. My friends and family are all far more proud and content for me than I’m capable of being for myself.
I’ve suffered from severe anxiety and occasional depression since early adolescence. While this isn’t a topic I typically address here, it is a fact and I suppose it in part explains why I’m currently feeling the way I’m feeling. With that said, even from an objective point of view my life hasn’t been easy as of late. Growing up isn’t easy. That’s the thing. Guys… I don’t wanna grow up anymore. Because I’m realizing that it never gets easier. That I’ll never have it ‘all figured out’. That the world is an ugly, ugly place with a few teeny, beautiful pleasures sprinkled in and not the other way around.
I know that sounds super harsh and negative or whatever. But tell me isn’t true.
Anyways. Remember that eventful week I mentioned earlier? Yeah, I have a couple of separate posts which’ll be devoted to that. I have some happy shit planned for this month, as well. And my second book is almost finished! I’m really looking forward to sharing it.
That’s all. Now here are some more photos because I always take, like, way too many. What else is new?
As for thingies pictured…
- I shot the photographs of Notre Dame the Thursday before it caught fire… if only I’d known, I’d have taken heaps more. Also, um, why do the cherry blossoms only last for like .0002 seconds? They should be present year-round, tbh.
- In early March I strolled around the Jardin des Plantes and shot some photos of things in bloom. I was feeling sad. Seeing flowers helped.
- I saw Bella on March 1st! She’s been working on some damn cool photos.
- Brigette moved in with me on April 1st, as she and Ash had to leave the apartment they shared with Kayoon at the end of March. She’ll be staying with me for a little while before moving into a place of her own. I love having her. I love her. But she isn’t supposed to be here, you know? She’s supposed to be at home. Her home. My home. My own apartment in Paris a reflection of me… it embodies who I am. But my friends’ place in the 11th arrondissement was where I found my family. I would give anything to relive a few moments there. Anything.
- We watch romantic comedies when we’re not too tired. I sometimes eat tuna sandwiches. Brigette puts fancy shit in her hair.
- Ash and I are Taylor Swift stans. Forever and always (get it? I’m so funny.).
- Ash’s birthday was in February but due to super shitty circumstances I didn’t actually give him his gift until mid-March. IT WAS A CHOCOLATE PENIS. THIS IS A THING. The international delivery fee was worth every damn cent.
- I saw Freddie and Claudia and Melissa, too.
These photos are so so pretty. I love cherry blossoms. And oh honey you need to give yourself a break–growing up IS hard and you’ve had an extra rough few months. Pair that with anxiety and depression (which I’m so happy is being destigmatized) and no one could expect you to muster any more enthusiasm than you did. It is amazing that you were able to figure out a plan and that it seems like it will work but it’s ok to still feel blah. You’ll get through it bit by bit. You won’t be happy all the time. But you WILL be happy. And even though growing up is scary AF it’s also kind of awesome (admittedly I’m speaking from a place of a new momma who is obsessed with her kid but I still think it’s true) <3
Thank you so much, Kayle. I’ve been trying to tell myself that things are going to be okay, but it’s difficult to fully believe that given what happened to Kayoon… things weren’t okay for her, you know? But you’re right. There will be ups and downs and hopefully, one day, I’ll be much less anxious and things will have calmed down. They’re already so much better than they were just a few months ago. Also, your and James’ happiness is contagious! It always rubs off on me a bit when I see your photos on Instagram or read one of your posts. So thank you for that! <3 xo
The first thing I thought of when I heard about Notre Dame was the vintage postcard you sent me, and the summer I visited Paris for two days and was able to see the cathedral for myself! Extra thankful for these memories now <3 // omg the chocolate penis is so veiny LOL -Audrey | Brunch at Audrey’s
Everytime I walk past the place where I bought that postcard I think of you! // It was literally the perfect gift for him haha!