Postcards from Amsterdam

I’m writing this from terminal 1 at Charles de Gaulle, in an effort to kill time before boarding my flight to Bangkok in an hour. I say ‘in an effort’ because admittedly, I’m not quite sure what to say at the moment. Obviously I could begin with, ‘So my dad and I spent a couple of days in Amsterdam last month and it was super-duper fun and the weather was quite pleasant, etc…’. But, um, while all that may be true, I’m not especially feeling spewing out cliché phrases at the moment, you know?

I feel okay today. ‘Okay’ as in, not wonderful, but rather, stable in a sense… I’m not falling to pieces, I’m not suffering through a deficit of energy or lacking in motivation. I’m doing my very best to look forward to the week to come. I get to see my dad again, yay! I get to take heaps and heaps of pretty pictures in a beautiful place! And yet… I’m not satisfied. Why do I feel so alone? I shouldn’t. I have Brigette and Ash, I have my dad. Their love for me is unconditional and boundless; I am confident they will always be there to support me.

The issue is me, rather. It seems to me as though all I do, all the efforts I make… are absolute shit. Who am I kidding… thinking I could be a photographer? Believing my work could someday be worthy of publication? Thinking my French is any good at all? It’s not, I don’t know how the fuck I’ll manage to succeed at the Sorbonne in the fall. Maybe I won’t.

Also… I miss Kayoon. So much. If it wasn’t okay for her in the end, how can I possibly expect it to be for me? It’s really sinking in… the fact that I’m never going to see her again. That she no longer exists. Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I’ll try to end this on a happy note. Apologies for all the ranting… it’s perhaps a bit too personal, I sincerely hope that none of you are lowkey cringing while reading this. Lol?

So. As I mentioned earlier, my dad and I visited Amsterdam. I took photos. Dat’s kinda mah thang.

I’ll be boarding a flight to Thailand shortly. A break will be good for me. No work, no school, no fuckboys, no administrative shit to deal with… a week to forget all that’s happened this year thus far. It’s sucked. But next week isn’t going to suck. I’m not about to let it.

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4 comments on “Postcards from Amsterdam”

  1. Never apologize-you say whatever you want and need to say! It sucks and you can vent all you want.

    On a happier note for this comment-your pictures make Amsterdam look just as cool as I always imagined

    • Aww, thank you so much, Kayle. Your support here really does mean so much to me, I hope you know that. xoxo

      And thank you! It is really SUCH a cool place. <3

  2. omg is that photo of wine, cheese, stroopwafels, and a huge stack of chocolate? That’s a win for sure!

    This past year has been an emotional roller coaster. Most days I’m okay with just being okay/neutral or even okay with not feeling very much of anything really. Pretty much as long as I’m not feeling sad/anxious. But when I do feel sad/anxious, I let myself feel it for the day, and try to start the next day fresh. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don’t.

    I can also relate to doubting my skills and my worth. I could tell you that I love your photography and that you’ve made so much progress in French, which are both true, but I know that sometimes what friends say isn’t enough if you don’t believe it. Friends always say nice things 😛 I relate to those doubts so much. When I care enough to put my situation into perspective, I remind myself that even though I’m not where I thought I’d be in life, I HAVE come so far. Or even if I haven’t come far, I’ve made at least some progress, and that counts for something too. One of the gifts of personal lifestyle blogging is that we can see exactly where we are and were in life. I still remember when you were just starting to learn French, when you would sprinkle a few French phrases into your blog post, then started adding synthesised French translations to your blog posts, then longer translations. I bet you couldn’t have done that years ago!

    So much is changing for us. Right now it feels like it’s for the worse and it feels like we’re stuck here. But there’s still so much changing, and I try to remind myself that that’s a good thing. Things will keep changing, and eventually they’ll start changing for better <3

    Now that all that's said… have a great time in Bangkok!! -Audrey | Brunch at Audrey’s

    • Oh, Audrey, thank you soooo much. I remember reading your comment while I was still in Thailand, feeling overwhelmed about having to come back and face day to day life again, and it gave me a moment of peace.
      One day at a time… and no comparing yourself to others… are rules I have for myself but gosh, are they hard to follow or what? My friends and my dad give me so much support but it’s just never enough if I can’t see what they see myself.
      I’m still feeling this way and my blog has def become a place for me to vent haha, but I’m trying to stay positive and believe that one day I’ll feel alright. RIGHT??????