(even more) Postcards from Bangkok
Guys… I’m just. so. tired.
Of everything. Of everyone.
What’s even the point of anything? Like, these pictures I shot in Thailand last month, for example. What’s. the. point? No one but me gives a shit about them. They’re just going to sit here on this teeny-tiny space of mine on the internet until eventually I die and will therefore no longer be able to pay my web-hosting bills and then voilà voilà, issoverrr.
Wow, shizz got morbid real quick there, didn’t it? Sorry.
I guess I’m just feeling… burnt. out. It’s been a very long six months, after all. And I just… don’t know where to go from here. I mean, obviously I do. Wait. That makes zero sense. Lemme start over.
I have a plan. I’ve been accepted to a university program that greatly interests me, I have a job (though I’ll have to reduce the hours I work next year as I’ll be attending school full-time and this is seriously stressing me out because… less money… same bills and financial obligations). But what about photography and writing and all the ∼dreams∼ I arrived here in Paris with four years ago? Like, I’m inching toward them, but I can only advance so far given that I’m a super-duper-effing-busy working student. I’ve been plugging away at that personal project of mine, the book I haven’t shut up about for months… but it very likely won’t be complete until the end of summer. And though as of early July work and school will both have officially ended (until September, of course) I’ll be doing my very best to use my free time productively… I’m hoping to build my photography business a ‘lil over the summer. Create a price list, update my website, maybe even attract a client or two, if I’m lucky. And then where will I go from there? I don’t know.
(Okay… that entire paragraph I just wrote was a hot mess. But I needed to get those thoughts out of head. You get me?)
I’d love to sell prints of my work, to eventually publish a book and shoot weddings professionally. Being a travel writer or photographer would be the ultimate dream. But how the fuck do I get there? How will I ever get anywhere, honestly? Even my current goal of becoming a translator feels so out of reach… like three years ago I didn’t speak a word of French and now I think I could somehow professionally translate it into English? Like, who am I kidding? Does everyone feel this way? And if so, how does literally ANYTHING ever get done?
It’s a joke.
So. There you have it. My v insecure ‘rant of the day’. I hope you enjoyed. Also, I hope you like these pictures. Some of them aren’t bad. Okay, bye.
I forgot to even mention what these photos are actually of, dammit. The first half of images focus primarily on/around Bangkok’s Chinatown and flower market. The second half provides a ‘lil taste of one of their floating markets.
Shit, I probably ought to have written an entire travel post about my experience visiting these places. Oops. Too bad. I’m too tired.
Hey, hope you’re feeling okay now. Anyway, these photos are amazing. Love the realness, vividness, and contrast! x
Thank you so much, April <3
LOL the pig chicken toys! <3 // I relate so hard with your thoughts about what the point of anything is. I never used to worry about playing the comparison game, but ever since graduation, I've felt like I've transitioned from being a big fish in a small pond to a small fish in the vast ocean, leaving me feeling as if no matter what I want to do with my life, there will always be someone out there who will do it better, so what's left for me to offer the world? Something that's helping me deal with that is developing hobbies–activities to do for the fun of it, not to the be the best at or achieve anything… and maybe even be straight up bad at. Rediscovering this joy with my hobbies is slowly helping me find the enthusiasm to keep at my goals that can otherwise feel futile… or that's the hope anyway -Audrey | Brunch at Audrey’s
It’s so calming to know I’m not the only one feeling this way… it’s so true, everything has already been done, and everything I myself am capable of doing at least a thousand other people could do better… I should try to develop a new hobby or two but it’s just so, so difficult for me to invest time and effort into something that I know doesn’t really have much purpose. I know that’s kind of the POINT of doing so, though, so maybe you’re right. I don’t know, I’ve just been feeling so confused lately? Like I’m floating around and trying to do a million things at once but never manage to accomplish anything… and even when I do, I’m still not satisfied. This sure is a confusing time, would it just be over already lol.